You're a womanizer and a bitch.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
