i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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