Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
