I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
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i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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