do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
