I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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