We named our party play list daddy issues
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
