Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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