I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
