so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
