you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
