Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
