she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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