we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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