Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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