I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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