I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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