Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
