I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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