i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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