Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i came on her dog
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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