the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
