i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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