I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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