Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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