If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
