It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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