Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
