You can't motorboat a personality
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
