I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
