walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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