i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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