i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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