i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
