Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
