I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
