I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
