Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Randomize
