i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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