What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
