Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
