Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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