I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
