Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
