i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
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I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
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you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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