remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
