i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
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I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
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He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...