Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Randomize
