This is not my ceiling
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
