I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
