does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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