He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
