my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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