i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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